a year of Re...

I am a typical Libra- I can't make a decision to save my life.  And since a year ago discovering my desire to be a writer, my life is full of decisions all ending in question marks.  Do I go and write that next page- or clean the bathroom?  Do I attend the shop talk meeting or stay home and help put the kid to bed?  Do I attend workshops and events, go to my critique group and try my hardest, or do I shell out the big bucks for an MFA?  And mostly, with all these pathways to choose from, am I going in the right direction?

I find myself looking around my world for answers.  Our economists measure American happiness based on how many new homes are built. The trendsetters measure style on how many new clothes/looks/shoes they got this year.  The teenagers measure joy based on how many new "friends" they acquired.  Our media measures societal goodness on how many new technological gadgets were invented and how many people bought them.  We all seem to measure success based on a make it or break it reality-TV programs where out of millions ONE, and only one, is the winner!

It is easy to think that this is the norm in this day and age.  And with a lack of any outwardly recognized personal "success," I am constantly coming up with new ideas and projects... What new things can I create, build, write, achieve?  What can I do next? 

Mix up the questions about what to do next, with am I going in the right direction, and I find I am about as clear on myself and my life as the Cheshire Cat. 

In some things however I know just what to do.  I recycle my paper. I reduce my garbage. I reuse plastic bags. I review books on my blog. I am working on my artist recovery through The Artist Words.  I blog for Funky Junk, a store that injects renovation into old furniture.  And I constantly revise my creatively written works.  The prefix re seems to be cropping up in my life repeatedly. 

It dawned on me recently that maybe this is the direction to take.  You see, the trouble with building a new home, buying new clothes, getting the latest gadget, or starting a new project is that when you upgrade, the old home becomes outdated, the old clothes get ignored, the old gadgets end up in the landfill, and the old projects... they never get finished.  I have so much compared to so many people, and so much work to keep up with what I have, I wonder if maybe the next step towards success is not going forward, but going back.  (And I mean this in a completely different way than the democrat/republican political usage of these words forward and go back- politically, for societal well being, I am 100% into moving forward).   

Maybe what I can achieve next is perhaps a recovery of not just my Artist self, but a recovery of who I once was and a redefinition of who I aim to be.  A revamping of the house I currently live in.  A rededication to my family and partner relationship.  A reconnection with my spiritual self.  A revision of my career goals and work life.  A recreation of care for my physical health.  A renewal of my interaction with my community.  A total rearranging, reflection, and reinspiration of life. 

RE means to take what is, bring that power back in on itself, and create something even better.  To take what I have and add a new style, a new color, a new feel, that is something to get excited about. And while I could go upgrade my phone, or we could upgrade our living situation, I've only got one life, and I don't really want to chuck it out for an upgrade.  I think I'd rather redesign it to make it more functional and fulfilling and free.  Neither the smart phone nor the new house will bring me lasting joy.  A rediscovery of myself...?  That's a decision even a Libra can make.